One of the most validating experiences this week was my chance to place comment on Cambodian and Vietnamese Cross Border Health priorities. To have my thoughts listened to by 20 or so older male state officials, and then to see my older IOM colleagues nod in agreeance...
However, there have been certain realizations about why I feel this way.
In a recent conversation with one of my best friends, he commented that I've always had a low sense of self; that I never believed in myself. He couldn't blame me however, given the environment I had just emerged from. The University of Toronto is a gritty place. It crushed my spirit, and it was very easy to lose sight of those alleged life goals, bliss and potentials that one is supposed to achieve in postsecondary education. In the pyramid structure of the UofT populace, you were always made to feel that you were on the bottom rather than the top. I suppose the psychology of that was to create a student populace constantly striving to perform their best. Well, let's say it didn't too much for the psyche.
As a Libran, I do have to bring out the scale and balance the situation however. I became more resilient. Patience and endurance, those open-to-close days at the library, engaging in what may seem like shouting matches in policy classes so that the professor notices you, these are skills you accumulate. They are assets in the end; especially in this line of business.
So to those UofTers who are probably not reading this blog...the academic environment you find yourselves emerging from is one which can turn you into something which is hard and cold. Don't lose sight of what you really want to do....and you can maintain being soft and warm.
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On the subject of soft and warm, I'm actually beginning to hone those creative juices that I tell myself that I have. That's right people, that film talent I keep on going on about that I think I have...well, it's going to be put to a test.
I arranged to have drinks with the creative director of Meta House last night. Meta House is a German-founded art house that seeks to promote and develop an interdisciplinary and contemporary art industry in Cambodia.
The next thing I knew, she was asking me my opinion on curating an exhibition of work by an aging Cambodia political cartoonist and then agreeing to do a short documentary on him. While things seem to move fairly slowly in Cambodia, agreeing to do things usually happens really fast.
I'm also working on my own project. It's a bit self-involved actually, as most of the things I do are. It's self-introspective, it's illustrative of mostly me, and yet it's not about me, directly. I've temporarily titled it "Should I stay or should i go", after my beloved Clash song. I'm a tad nervous to get it started. I suppose it was spurred by various encounters I've had over the past 2 weeks I've been here.
The vision is to not only examine the micro-psychosocial elements that push individuals to enter a career that involves moving to a developing nation for a lengthy period of time, but also why they leave as well, and perhaps where they go next? I want it address larger issues of sustainable development, where Western stakeholders begin and end their relationships with nations. There are also the individuals who chose to stay. I can already name a couple of colleagues who have been here for 10+ years. I'm hoping to answer some questions about why I'm here as well while I'm at it.
However, in the short term, I need to give the partying a break. Cirrhosis of the liver is something I did not come here to accomplish.
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